Summary: Is there anything that would help my father over 70, who has alienated a lot of people and now suspects ASD? Or the rest of us to recover?
Since I went for diagnosis, my father has also looked into ASD and decided he has Asperger's (or at least, that's what he told the psychologist evaluating me). He's over 70 now, so I don't know how much good a diagnosis would do or what can change. He's only become interested in 'what's wrong with him' since his recent divorce from my (younger) mother and admits that without that, he would have never bothered to admit he hurt others or figure it out.
I don't know how to deal with him because he is so controlling and manipulative. I don't know when he'll take what I say as an "attack" and become abusive. He criticizes, denies, blames others, plays the victim, pouts, dominates conversation...basically everything on this list of characteristics of abusive men, except physical violence (as an adult): http://www.lfcc.on.ca/HCT_SWASM_4.html. Now that I'm an adult, I no longer let that force me to be silent, but the ensuing fight is always traumatic and ends in tears. And when we aren't arguing, his attempts at control also immobilize me with anxiety, and I can hardly think. I feel physically sick when he is close.
I am fine not speaking to him, but I can't help but feel that the situation is a bit sad. He is desperate to connect and too anxious to do anything about it. My mother doesn't understand how I can shut him out (despite the divorce, she still helps him with things like shopping, and she feels a relationship with your father is very important), and my half brother is a very empathetic person who would like a connection to the father he lost. Ironically, he works with people with more severe developmental disabilities who are supported by the state.
Is there anything I should do? He has always liked me because I am the "smart" one who has what he called "the shyness," whereas he can be more critical toward the rest of the family. I feel he needs to be more self-aware for me to be able to deal with him, but I'm afraid at this point, his patterns are so set that he'd use Asperger's as another excuse for his behavior.
Lindsey
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